I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
