the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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