haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
