I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize