I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
