i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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