There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
