i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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