sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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