You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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