I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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