I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
