the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize