i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
