Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
