I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
