Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
