Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
