so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
