I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
