final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
