so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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