you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
