Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
