Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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