Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
