is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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