I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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