I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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