mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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