Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
