Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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