I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
