I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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