mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
