Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
