omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
