I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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