Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
