I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
