he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
