these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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