she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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