3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
