I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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