Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize