Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
