The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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