Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize