He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I love you. Go after that dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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