Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
