Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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