i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
