I met the friendliest cop last night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
